They say that cats never die at home. In their last few days, they slip away, into hollows, through brambles, over fences. They find a corner to die in, because they don’t want to die at home. My little selfless cat.
.
It’s odd. I haven’t seen her in three years. I have no one left back there to ever be going back. But I still envisioned her as mine. I envisioned a lifetime with her. I’ve got to the stage where I’m ready for another cat, where I want another cat, but it’s not going to be Peppa. It’s not going to be a cat that once got hit by a car and lost some of her vocal cords so her meow is only a squeak; it’s not my cat who loves belly rubs, and has a stomach soft and round like a puppy full on warm milk, and soft kitten hairs like powder. No cat is going to be Peppa, and I’m okay with that, but Peppa is still mine.
I used to get jealous when people say that they were blessed with the cat selection system, but Peppa chose me. She chose to sleep on my bed every night, and hide underneath it thunderstorms. When she was scared, she would hide in my shirt, and she needed her own notebook at my table or she would sleep on mine. I taught her economics before my exams, and did yoga with her in the early morning during COVID.
I’m still reaching for her. I wake up in the night and sit up to reach for my feet, like I used to do when I had bad dreams. I see her in the corner of my eye, slinking around corners. I say ‘I want my cat’ when things get rough, and that’s how I will always be. I will always want her.
My heart is hurting. When I found out she was lost, a balloon puffed into my chest taking away precious space for the rest of my organs. I know everyone loses pets, and it’s part of life, but I still can’t fathom anyone else feeling the pain I am feeling. I am adolescent; the world only affects me.
I published this because this is my homage. I could write pages about Peppa but I think I would dissolve. For now, I’m going to have to hold them closely to my heart.
I don’t have much of a point, except I want the people I love who never got to meet her to imagine this golden little creature who came into my life with a squeak. My little cat who followed me around the house, and slept in board game boxes and loved me just as much as I loved her.
aw leyla🥹